The Chaotic Mind

Heart on a Lef

“There are times in life where you become compelled to do something.” Someone recently said this to me and it stuck. This was someone I really admire. She was unapologetically herself- confident, courageous, and driven by her heart. She was talking about having children.

I think that’s how life works, though. We are compelled to do something– and we do it. Sometimes, other people in our lives aren’t always on the same page as we are. The truth is, that’s okay because they don’t need to be. (Except for when you are having kids, then it is definitely helpful…)

As I write this, I look up at a sketch done in black ballpoint pen– the sketch is of a woman sitting down, holding a beating, dripping heart. There is a speech bubble: “Should I give you my heart?”……

Risk. Vulnerability. This is precisely what life is about.

No one tells you this growing up. No one really tells you this when you are older, either. You have to seek this knowledge out– when you are ready for it. I sought this knowledge out when I was tired of guarding myself off from the world around me. I sought it out in a spiritual way of life. In the yoga world. In meditation. In Brene Brown youtube videos about “How to be vulnerable.” In self-improvement books and Pema Chodron novels. In “spiritual mentors” and role-models who have been to Hell and back. And they all said the same thing— if you are compelled to do something– Do it.

I’m compelled to write. The stars aligned in the universe for me to find myself sitting in a New Haven coffee shop today– so that I could write this. After somewhat of an irritating morning– filled with ant-infested studio apartments and clogged toilets and t0-do lists that never end–here I am.

As I write this, I am reminded that life can be beautiful even when it is chaotic. That life can be beautiful because it is chaotic. This is the goal, right? To embrace life when “shit hits the fan.” To view imperfections as gifts. Mistakes as learning experiences. To be OK in chaos, and ok when you aren’t OK. To believe in the magic of the universe around you.

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